Words by Ben Goldman
You’re cruising. You’re fucking. You’re having a good time—right? Sex is fun, and finding sex on demand is easier than ever, but when does the chase start to feel like something else? Checking in with yourself every so often is the best way to make sure your relationship with your sex life is staying healthy—and a healthy sex life means better sex.
Sex addiction takes many different forms and it doesn’t look the same person-to-person. It’s an issue that’s also wildly taboo to talk about in a gay sex culture where “more is more.” It’s normal to find yourself asking where the line between searching for fun and fueling a problem is for you.
When it comes to evaluating your sex behaviors, what matters is whether your relationship with sex is helping you feel fulfilled, or whether it’s taking more than it’s giving.
What is Sex Addiction?
Sex addiction isn’t defined by a certain number of sexual partners per month. Libido and sexual capacity are very individualized. If you struggle with sex compulsivity, you know it can feel like you lack control, intention, discipline, and accountability. Here are a few ways that might manifest—though this is certainly not an exhaustive list.
Control: Maybe you find yourself looking for dick—even when it interrupts other activities you love, like a group dinner with your friends, having a good workout, or time you’ve tried to dedicate to self-care. If you find it difficult to hold yourself accountable to your passions and interests because you’re prioritizing sex, ask yourself: are you giving up control?
Intention: Do you consistently have sex with people you don’t find attractive? Could that be because your objective is just to get dick rather than having a goal or intention like a specific sexual experience or an intimate experience that is validating? Are you having sex as a means of connecting with new people or to find someone to be with (sexually or non-sexually) to combat your current experience of loneliness?
Accountability: Sex compulsivity often thrives in the absence of self-accountability. This can show up in many ways—keeping your sexual encounters secret, feeling too ashamed to talk about them with friends, downplaying intense experiences, or rationalizing risky behaviors. You might convince yourself that no one would understand, or fear that others would judge you harshly. Or perhaps the weight of your own shame makes it feel impossible to truly face your choices.
Sex addiction is similar to other addictions in that there it might feel like you have no control and that you have an insatiable urge that, at times, feels insurmountable.
What the Fuck Am I Supposed to Do? Not Fuck?
There’s a difference between someone who likes to have a lot of sex, and someone with a sex addiction. Admitting that you have problems with your sex behaviors is the first step of letting go of shame—and it’s not about swearing off sex forever.
Here are some steps that you can take right away:
Set an intention. Before having a fuck-buddy over or heading to a steam room, try practicing accountability to yourself: What is your goal? Does it serve you to seek out this experience right now? Or do you feel like you have to get the rush no matter what? You may be more comfortable with your sex choices when you begin by being honest with yourself.
Tell yourself “no” and see how your feel. Addiction is fueled by a scarcity mindset: “I need this dick because it’s the hottest and best dick I’m ever going to get.” Don’t worry— there’s a lot of dick out there. Try telling yourself “no” to see how entrenched you might be in that scarcity mindset—if it’s getting the better of you, try to dispute it.
Try a “replacement behavior“ for seeking pleasure. People with sex addictions often tell themselves that the only way to feel good, hot, validated, or important is through sex. Instead, seek adventure, push your body in other ways, do something novel or different. To be clear, these aren’t going to scratch the itch the exact same way as getting fucked, but it’s a good reminder that you can find pleasure and purpose outside of sex.
Keep a sex journal. In an effort to hold yourself accountable and track your sex journey, journal before and after each sexual encounter. Ask yourself things like “why am I having sex with this person?” “how’s my mood?”, “am I feeling lonely or desperate?” Just because you have a bad sex experience doesn’t mean you’re a sex addict, but a pattern of unmanageable sex behaviors might be an important insight.
Get support. Talk to a therapist, message an anonymous peer counselor, go to a Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous meeting, find a local support group, share with a non-judgmental friend, ask your slutty friends what their experiences around sex are like to get some alternative perspective. The less you hold it in, the less shame you’ll feel.
Sex should add to your life, not take away from it. A great sex life includes having control over your body, finding joy and intimacy, and having slutty or kinky experiences that truly work for you. If you’re feeling empty, anxious, or stuck in a cycle you don’t want to be in, it might be time to hit the brakes, regardless of whether you’re a “sex addict” or not. Are you choosing your sex behaviors or are your sex behaviors choosing you? It’s okay if sometimes you want to fuck and not think too much about it—just make sure you’re in the driver’s seat, not just along for the ride.
