April 25, 2024 1 Comment
Written by Kim of the Internet
Images by Damien Wood
In mainstream culture, BDSM is often reductively depicted as all whips and chains, but the practice of it is so much more than just the pain-centric sex that you see in porn. BDSM stands for “Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism.” In more everyday terms, BDSM ultimately encompasses all forms of erotic power exchange, or risk-aware play with domination and submission between consenting individuals.
There is no singularly correct way to engage in BDSM (outside of informed consent, of course), so here are 4 things to keep in mind if you’re a newbie.
A dominant or submissive can be any gender, height, body type, or background. Stereotypes, while occasionally fun to play with, can perpetuate harmful and, honestly, boring tropes—so just ask questions and lead with curiosity. Many folks are “switchy” (not fully dominant or submissive all the time) and their power orientation can change with time, partners, or dynamics. Making assumptions about their orientation and their kinks can lead to, at best, misaligned play and, at worst, physical harm.
Vetting is a two-way street; your partner(s) should be asking you questions in return, and it could be a red flag if someone doesn’t exhibit any curiosity in return. Ultimately, there is no one right way or length of time one needs to vet a partner. It’s a practice to build trust with a partner, so it’s up to both of you to determine what’s most important, and to understand each other’s boundaries.
Aftercare is the check-in and recentering that occurs after play. There is no one-size-fits-all solution for aftercare. It can look like snuggling, sleepovers, intentional alone time, walks together, or anything that allows all parties to recenter after the scene. Everyone can receive it (not just submissives), but not everyone needs it. The most important thing is that you ask what your partner(s) need. If any party can’t provide the necessary aftercare the other needs, it may be a sign to take a step back. BDSM can be intense and you need to prioritize your self-care.
BDSM contains multitudes. Superficially, it might look like whips and chains, but it also has the power to create the safe space we need to access vulnerability, joy, healing, and connection with others. For your first time, take it slow and vet carefully. Before you know it, you’ll be on your way to some delicious fun.
Kim is a BDSM educator and content creator. Follow and learn more here.
Sean Sanchez
May 01, 2024
I want someone who wants to suck me all over my cock ass and balls till they explode