Written by Kim of the Internet
Images by Damien Wood
In mainstream culture, BDSM is often reductively depicted as all whips and chains, but the practice of it is so much more than just the pain-centric sex that you see in porn. BDSM stands for “Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism.” In more everyday terms, BDSM ultimately encompasses all forms of erotic power exchange, or risk-aware play with domination and submission between consenting individuals.
There is no singularly correct way to engage in BDSM (outside of informed consent, of course), so here are 4 things to keep in mind if you’re a newbie.
Don’t make assumptions about someone’s orientation or desires.
A dominant or submissive can be any gender, height, body type, or background. Stereotypes, while occasionally fun to play with, can perpetuate harmful and, honestly, boring tropes—so just ask questions and lead with curiosity. Many folks are “switchy” (not fully dominant or submissive all the time) and their power orientation can change with time, partners, or dynamics. Making assumptions about their orientation and their kinks can lead to, at best, misaligned play and, at worst, physical harm.
Vet carefully before you play.
Vetting is a process where you determine whether someone is the right partner for you in a BDSM scene, dynamic, or relationship. This means taking the time to get to know them, determining their trustworthiness, and making sure you have shared desires, values, and an understanding of what you want. Basically, it’s a sexy vibe check. If you're engaging in any play that you feel is particularly risky, please make sure to vet thoroughly. Here are a few questions to ask:- How long have you been engaging in BDSM?
- How do you typically engage in power exchange? Is there a particular end of the spectrum you’re drawn towards?
- Do you have any previous partners I could speak to?
- What are your hard and soft limits?
- What does aftercare look like for you?
- When was the last time something went wrong in a scene for you? What happened and how did you react?
- What are your views on safewords?
Vetting is a two-way street; your partner(s) should be asking you questions in return, and it could be a red flag if someone doesn’t exhibit any curiosity in return. Ultimately, there is no one right way or length of time one needs to vet a partner. It’s a practice to build trust with a partner, so it’s up to both of you to determine what’s most important, and to understand each other’s boundaries.
Negotiate scenes explicitly.
Negotiating essentially means discussing and agreeing upon a scene. I break down negotiation into 3 parts:- Determine shared desires: You and your partner share what you’re looking to experience and feel, and what you are and aren’t into. Explain how you look and sound when you’re having fun or feeling pleasure, as well as what you like to be called as your honorific.
- Discuss safety protocol: In addition to discussing protection and your latest STI panel, it’s also important to look after your mental and physical safety in other ways. Establish safe words or actions and discuss hard and soft limits. Get as specific as possible about what you both are ok with. Where do you draw the line with names, degradation, injuries or marks, and photos or videos? Make sure you’re both aware of any potential triggers that may come up. If you’re using any equipment, make sure you know how to use it safely and that it is properly sanitized.
- Confirm what is happening during the scene: This is the most important part of negotiation. Some people will want a specific step-by-step breakdown, while others are cool with agreeing on an overall flow. Discuss what you need to feel comfortable, and what happens if something goes wrong.
Always prioritize aftercare.
Aftercare is the check-in and recentering that occurs after play. There is no one-size-fits-all solution for aftercare. It can look like snuggling, sleepovers, intentional alone time, walks together, or anything that allows all parties to recenter after the scene. Everyone can receive it (not just submissives), but not everyone needs it. The most important thing is that you ask what your partner(s) need. If any party can’t provide the necessary aftercare the other needs, it may be a sign to take a step back. BDSM can be intense and you need to prioritize your self-care.
BDSM contains multitudes. Superficially, it might look like whips and chains, but it also has the power to create the safe space we need to access vulnerability, joy, healing, and connection with others. For your first time, take it slow and vet carefully. Before you know it, you’ll be on your way to some delicious fun.
Kim is a BDSM educator and content creator. Follow and learn more here.
