I’ve had well over 50 MMFs in my life. Most have been with other bisexual men, so I get to hook up with both the man and woman. My happy place is being in the middle of a daisy chain, fucking a pussy while getting fucked by a big dick. I also frequently attend mixed-gender sex parties, so I have been in a few dozen orgies with people of all genders.
Let’s talk logistics. How are these meet-ups usually planned? Do you use any specific apps, parties, or places?
A number of my multi-partnered, mix-gender sexual experiences occurred at queer sex parties. I usually attend with a partner—either a man or a woman. When I come with a female partner, we attempt to find the gayest-looking man at the party. (Most gay men don’t attend mixed-gender sex parties. They participate in gay sex parties or orgies on Sniffies. So if a guy is wearing a jockstrap, 8-inch pleasers, and has his nails painted, odds are he’s bi.)
We then flirt and ask if he’d like to join us. When I attend a queer sex party with a male bisexual partner, there will usually be a woman who openly fetishizes and objectifies us—in a way I find hot. Several queer and straight women watch gay porn and are turned on by two men having sex, and at a queer sex party, they will be vocal about it!
From your experience, do those involved usually identify as bisexual? Or have you engaged in an MMF meet-up with heterosexual men and women?
Most of the time, everyone involved identifies as something other than gay or straight—so they’ll identify as bisexual, queer, fluid, pansexual, heteroflexible, etc.
However, I have definitely had MMFs with straight women. They like being the center of attention, and similar to straight men who get turned on by two women, they, a straight woman, get turned on by two men.
I’ve had fewer MMFs with guys who strictly identify as straight though I have been several men’s “firsts.” So I will be the first guy they ever fucked or the first guy they’ve gotten head from. This has happened a lot at swinger sex parties, especially with married “straight” couples in their sixties. These men have often fantasized about being with a man but have never acted on their desires. And while they may still identify as straight, I would surmise a lot of these men are bi, just not comfortable enough to identify as such openly.
How do you set boundaries in an MMF encounter?
The only way to set boundaries is to express them openly. Before hooking up, I’ll quickly check in, asking if they have any boundaries, the last time they were tested, and what really turns them on. When I have an MMF, it’s not as cruisy and silent as when I have an anonymous encounter with a man or an MMMM at a gay sex party. For MMFs, we all talk and vocalize before hooking up. It’s not a pump-and-dump situation.
What’s the most unexpected thing that’s happened to you during an encounter? Anything that surprised you?
This may sound obvious, but I was surprised how affirming having a bisexual MMF was to my sexuality and identity. When I’m bottoming for a 220-pound Dom top, I don’t think to myself, this is bisexual. I think, this is some gay-ass sex. Similarly, when topping an effeminate woman, I don’t think of the sex (or myself) as being queer. When I’m having an MMF, it’s one of the few ways I feel bisexually affirmed through sex.
What’s the biggest misconception in MMF interactions?
I think there’s some confusion between MMFs and MFMs. So, an MMF implies that the men are hooking up with each other, as well as the woman. With an MFM—the two men aren’t hooking up—they’re not touching (hence the F in the middle, separating them).
While, of course, everyone can identify as they so choose, and behavior doesn’t necessarily dictate sexual preference—the people participating in MMFs are often thought to be very bisexual and queer. Whereas with MFMs, where the men are not hooking up with each other, the men absolutely can be straight.
Have you ever had a situation where one person wasn’t as into the experience as the others? How did that affect the night?
While you do your best to avoid this scenario—my partner and I won’t peruse a third unless we both find them attractive—it still sometimes happens. If I’m not feeling it for whatever reason, I’ll say quietly, “I’m going to grab some water and take a break; you two keep having fun.”
So, in short, I hope the third knows enough to politely excuse themselves if they’re not feeling the experience. If, for whatever reason, the two should not continue without the third (let’s say the couple only plays together, or one partner will get very jealous), then sadly, it means the threesome is over. The third, not enjoying it, needs to pump the breaks for everyone. It's a bit of a buzzkill, but hey, it happens.
Justin Lehmiller, a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute says: While threesomes are some of the most common fantasies for people of all genders and sexual orientations, it’s the fantasy that’s most likely to go awry when you actually do have a threesome IRL. In part because there are mismatched expectations. Everyone thinks they will be the star of the show, and when they’re not, they get their feelings hurt or become jealous.
What’s your favorite part about getting hands-on with another guy during an MMF one-night stand?
So many things:
One: It’s just hot having sex with multiple people, and I love the array of body parts and the number of positions you can do when you have two men and a woman. I love DP, spit roasting, and being the center of a daisy chain. And double vaginal penetration, where you rub cocks against one another and both cum at the same time, flooding her pussy? I mean, that is heaven to me.
Two: I actually feel more connected with my girlfriend after having an MMF threesome. I get a little jealous—just slightly—but in a good way. Seeing my partner desire someone else reminds me, yes, I can indeed lose them, and I need to step my bussy up. So I get really passionate and, sometimes, possessive, but in a hot way. This carries over even after the threesome has concluded.
Three: I know I mentioned this a little, but I feel very bisexual when having an MMF. I don’t feel particularly queer in my day-to-day life because I’m dating a woman. I don’t often feel welcome going to gay spaces with her; it’s not the same going to P-town or Fire Island with her. And obviously, I can’t attend gay sex parties with her, so this is a way I can embrace my queerness with my opposite-sex partner.
Do you get turned on more when you’re focusing on the guy or the girl in an MMF hook-up? Can you explain the difference in physical intensity when you’re interacting with a guy and when you’re interacting with a woman?
It depends. Ideally, I find them equally attractive, sexy, and arousing, and I am giving them equal focus. But if I find one of them more attractive or am connecting more sexually with one person, well then, I may focus a little more on them—the same way I would in an MMM.
It really depends on the person! I’ve been with very submissive, effeminate men and very dominant women (who peg the hell out of me or throat fuck me with a dildo).
That said, I’ve noticed men—tops specifically—tend to be more aggressive, though that’s not always the case.
What’s the hottest thing a guy has ever done to you during an MMF one-night stand?
A few memories stand out. First, when we both came at the same time during double vaginal penetration. So I could feel his cock against mine and his cum flooding her pussy right as mine did.
Call me a basic bitch, but I love deepthroating a guy, having all of him in my mouth, and seeing his shocked face. I’ve had quite a few guys say to me that no woman has ever been able to deepthroat them, getting all of them in their mouths.
Also, I had one MMF where the guy came inside my ass while I came inside the woman’s pussy while she was cumming. Never has timing worked out like that. I thought I had died and gone to heaven.
Lastly, any words of advice for those seeking MMF meet-ups but unsure where to start?
Sniffies is a great place to start. Simply list that you are a bisexual MF couple looking for a male third! I have a feeling you will be shocked by the number of guys who reach out wanting to be your third. (Honestly, you will probably get more people messaging you as an MF couple than as a solo male on Sniffies).
If you are the third M looking for an MF, it is a little more challenging, but I’d recommend getting into the sex-positive, kinky scene in your area. Try to find the mixed-gender queer sex parties in your area. Personally, I attend bisexual swinger events across the globe with and without my partner. That’s where I get my MMF fill.
Zachary Zane is a a Brooklyn-based columnist, author, and sex expert whose work focuses on sexuality, lifestyle, and culture. Learn more about him here.