Anal sex isn’t really that complicated —It’s just been conspicuously exempt from sex-ed curriculums since the dawn of time, thanks to heteronormativity, religious conservatism, and our cultural inability to discuss the anus—as if bottoming isn’t one of life’s great pleasures.

According to the CDC, more than one-third of Americans ages 15 to 49 have tried anal sex with an opposite-sex partner. Among gay men, that figure exceeds 80%, according to a nationally representative U.S. survey. But comprehensive anal-sex education probably isn’t entering any curricula in the foreseeable future.

You’ve got questions, we’ve got answers. We spoke with experts—colorectal surgeon Dr. Evan Goldstein, founder of Bespoke Surgical and co-founder of Future Method, and Alicia Sinclair, certified sex educator and founder of b-Vibe, to create the guide your health teacher never gave you.

IS DOUCHING BAD FOR YOU?

Douching isn’t inherently bad, but doing too much can irritate the rectal lining and wash away some of the mucus and beneficial bacteria that protect it.

“The biggest mistakes I see are using the wrong liquid, too much liquid, inserting the nozzle too deeply, squeezing too forcefully, or repeatedly flushing until the liquid runs perfectly clear,” Goldstein says.

Keep it shallow, gentle and lukewarm. While many people use plain water, Goldstein prefers a pH-balanced, isotonic solution (a liquid with roughly the same salt concentration as your body’s fluids) that more closely resembles the body’s natural fluid balance. Avoid soaps, chemical concoctions, and high-pressure shower attachments. Your rectum doesn’t need to be pressure-washed until the water looks drinkable.

Stool is generally stored higher in the colon, not continuously sitting in the rectum. A quick rinse is intended to remove anything lingering nearby—not irrigate your entire digestive system. If you’re unsure that you’re cleaned out, insert a well-lubricated toy, pull it out, and inspect it for poop for added assurance. This is called “dipstick technique.”

WHAT KIND OF LUBE IS BEST?

For taking fingers or a dick, Sinclair recommends silicone lube, which stays slick longer than many water-based formulas. But when using a silicone toy, check its instructions: silicone lube may damage certain silicone toys, so a thick water-based gel might be the safer pairing.

As for improvised options, spit dries quickly and creates more friction. Coconut oil can provide longer-lasting lubrication, but—like baby oil and olive oil—it can weaken latex condoms and may irritate sensitive skin. If condoms are involved, stick with a compatible water- or silicone-based lube.

Sinclair also suggests avoiding high concentrations of glycerin if you find them irritating. Whatever you choose, be generous and reapply whenever you feel dryness or drag. And don’t get in your head about it: the amount of lube required is no indicator of your bottoming prowess.

IS ANAL SEX SUPPOSED TO HURT SOMETIMES?

Anal sex shouldn’t hurt. Initial pressure, fullness or stretching can be normal, particularly when you’re new to bottoming.

Pain can happen when you’re tense, under-lubricated, moving too quickly, or attempting a size beyond what your body can comfortably receive. Sharp, burning or persistent pain is your body telling you to stop—not a hurdle to bravely overcome.

Gradual training with fingers, plugs or dilators can help you become more comfortable relaxing your sphincter muscles to take bigger dicks or toys. Goldstein recommends starting small, using plenty of lube and only increasing the size once the current one feels comfortable.

“We all have eyes bigger than our holes,” he says. “But if you take your time with anal training, you can go so much further in the end.”

Persistent pain may indicate a fissure, hemorrhoid, infection or pelvic-floor dysfunction. These issues can all be addressed, though treatment depends on the cause and may include medication, minor procedures or pelvic-floor therapy. Anal Botox may help certain people, but Goldstein stresses that it isn’t an overnight shortcut: patients must still train, use lube and proceed gradually.

WILL ANAL SEX PERMANENTLY STRETCH MY HOLE?

Put simply: No, anal sex does not leave you permanently loose.

The anus contains elastic tissue and two rings of sphincter muscle that stretch during penetration before returning to their normal resting tone. Your hole may feel temporarily more relaxed after sex, especially following longer or larger play, but that sensation generally resolves in a few hours.

If you experience ongoing leakage, difficulty controlling gas, or lasting changes in muscle control, you should find yourself a colorectal or pelvic-floor specialist to check in with. Don’t accept it as the inevitable price of bottoming. Suffering silently has never made anyone a more accomplished bottom.

WHAT IF THERE’S POOP?

Anal sex involves the part of the body responsible for bowel movements. Occasionally encountering evidence of that doesn’t mean anyone failed. You can prepare diligently, douche carefully and use enough lube to bankrupt a small nation—and still encounter a little mess. That’s just life.

You should “mentally and physically prepare for that scenario,” Sinclair advises. Accepting that bodies sometimes produce poop can remove much of the embarrassment if it happens.Put down a dark towel or washable sex blanket and keep wipes or a damp washcloth nearby. If something goes awry, pause, clean up, and decide whether you want to continue. Don’t recoil, shame your partner, or act as though you’ve uncovered a crime scene.

Here’s what your health teacher neglected to mention: Asses aren’t inherently dirty, pain isn’t the price of penetration and nobody needs a hole to be perfectly sanitized to deserve good sex.