Into being tied up, tied down, slapped, spanked, or pushed down onto your knees? The world of kink and BDSM brings ways to deepen the physical and emotional elements of sex. But as with all sex that brings us pleasure, there’s also the possibility of some risk during kink play. Read on to find out how to navigate kink play to stay within consensual boundaries.

You said what?

It’s hard to chat with a ball-gag in your mouth,so don’t wait until that moment to discuss your limits, set your boundaries, and agree on how non-verbal communication might happen.

Find time before the sex starts—and even before meeting up—to work out what’s okay, what’s not, and how you’re going to communicate those boundaries to each other. Even if you’ve had sex with this partner or these partners in the past, don’t assume the same boundaries apply as last time. They might be in a different headspace this time around, or decide that tonight is when they really want to sub instead of dom.

Anxieties and triggers

Kink play and BDSM can take us out of our comfort zone, or push us towards experiences we’ve never had (or never imagined having) before. Some of those kink experiences might activate physical, emotional or social triggers which might look like changes in breathing and heavy sweating, crying or elation, or getting an emotional response that means we want to stop or take a break. We might react to a sensation or act in a way we didn’t expect. That’s why agreeing on a safe word or signal ahead of time is so important—and why all parties involved should know the signals for when we want to stop.

Safe words and safe signals 

Using a safe word or phrase that you’ve previously agreed upon (it should be a word that’s unrelated to sex, so there’s no mistaking its use) means that the play must stop immediately.

If one of you isn’t able to talk, or if you’re in a space where you might not be heard, then set up a safe signal. This could include clicking your fingers or nodding your head a certain number of times. If you’ve got multiple partners in your kink scene—and good on you if so—make sure everyone is well aware of the words or signals.

Red, yellow, green

Some subs use a traffic light setup to indicate the speed they want to go: saying “red” means you want to stop (and stop now—it’s not up for discussion); “Yellow” means you want to slow things down; and saying “green” means you’re happy to keep going. If your sub isn’t communicating, it’s never a bad idea, as a dom, to check in.

Don’t forget the aftercare

Kink play can get incredibly intense, and it’s not uncommon for a drop to happen right after. That’s when feelings of sadness or anxiety kick in straight after the highs from a session.

Doing the aftercare by looking after ourselves and our playmates might look like laying still for a while afterwards—maybe cuddling or doing some gentle reassuring touch. Stroke your playmate under the chin and tell them what a good pup they are. After a period of intensive physical activity, our bodies can get cold, so you might want a warm shower (perhaps together), or to get under a blanket or put on some warmer clothes.

Now’s also a time to check on your fluid levels.Grab some water or juice, or some rehydration fluids. Have a nutritious snack if you haven’t eaten for a while.

Some folks like to debrief afterwards—giving affirmations, re-setting boundaries based on what they did or didn’t enjoy, or planning for a follow-up session.

Kink and BDSM play are meant to bring us to new places, to make us feel more deeply, and, ultimately, lead to a satisfying erotic experience. We're slapping and spanking, paddling and pissing—but it's all in the name of chasing our desire.

For more information on kink and consent check out The Love Tank’s guide here.