Okay, you’re in an open relationship—let’s say it’s newly open. How do you talk about cruising and anonymous sex with your partner? Is there even a way to successfully integrate anon scenes and cruising into your relationship?
Short answer: probably.
There’s not a single, universal solve, but finding the answer starts with having a conversation—or, more likely many conversations. They’ll require vulnerability, being self aware, and for you both to be honest and straightforward about what exactly turns you on. You can feel safe and accepted while you both feel sexy! As you figure out the boundaries of your open relationship, you’ll likely also figure out that cruising and anonymous sex can actually be a good first step in opening your relationship.
To test the waters of your open relationship, some people find it helpful to start with cruising. Since it’s anonymous, your meets are solely about hooking up—you’re keeping it purely sexual—so there’s almost no chance the fleeting encounter will infringe on the romantic boundaries of your primary relationship. You’re chasing lust, not love here. Instead of spending a lot of time on a back-and-forth with whomever you’re planning to sleep with, cruising allows for a more in-and-out way to dip a toe into non-manogamy that could be easier for both partners.
COMMUNICATION! CONSENT! CONNECTION!
Before you start cruising, it’s crucial that you set boundaries with your partner: what’s cool, and what crosses the line? If you’re in a committed non-monogamous relationship, setting these boundaries is an opportunity to build a new kind of trust, honesty, and intimacy.
Navigating an open relationship isn’t about making a list of who you can and can’t fuck. While rules and clarity about things like a “no-fly list” can be helpful, having discussions about the nuances of your open relationship should be a connecting and aligning exercise. Get honest with your partner and yourself—if you’ve always secretly hoped to be a whored out hole, it’s time to speak up.
It’s important to bring your fantasies and fears to these conversations. You don't have to voice everything at once, but the most successful open relationships validate your desires and concerns rather than ignore uncomfortable topics.
FITTING IT IN AND PUTTING THINGS TOGETHER
Once you have a foundation of helpful rules, anonymous sex could have a place in your relationship. Establishing rules and being prepared doesn’t mean creating a play-by-play for every sexy scenario. It’s about identifying risk factors and using appropriate caution.
When it comes to anonymous sex, risk and pleasure go hand in hand. There are many queer people who struggle with compulsivity and addiction which manifests in sex. It’s easy to pig out once you’re allowed to—and there’s nothing wrong with getting piggy.
Still, there are safety considerations to think about when having more anonymous sex in your open relationship. Getting regularly tested for STDs and STIs, staying up to date on your PrEP/doxy-PEP, and other medically recommended sexual healthcare is crucial. Taking preventative measures for your mental health when exploring is just as important as taking care of your physical health.
READY TO CRUISE?
Coupled with communication, cruising can help your open relationship work more successfully. Here’s why:
Kinky? Cruising is a way to explore a fetish or kink in an open relationship. Perhaps someone in an open relationship has an understall fantasy. Maybe someone wants to play out an extreme submission fantasy, and wouldn’t feel comfortable with their partner watching.
Don’t ask, don’t tell. In some relationships, having a component of “don’t ask, don’t tell” is important for a variety of reasons. Cruising can be a helpful way to give access to other sexual partners but in a more discreet and situational way.
Keeping up appearances. Some people in open relationships have a lot of priorities in their lives: children, professional reputations, and community, to name a few. They may not want everyone to know they're also a cum dump! Staying anonymous can be an important part of juggling the rest of your life and priorities.
Testing the waters. For new open relationships, cruising is a way to explore what it might be like to fuck around with other people. Cruising can be a way to test how comfortable you or your partner(s) are with the boundaries you’ve agreed to.